Aside

I was saying, 2014 better be good to me. I know I will be good to it, I have already started, becoming who I wanted to be. Letting go of the people who hurt me, but dammit I want a good year. I want gifts for my birthday. If you are reading this, and you know who I am , this means i trust you and I think we are close, so this is what i want for my birthday

1) white high top converse sneakers

2) a watch

3) a skype call/ hand written poetry (pick one, but poetry earns you more points)

4) A framed picture of you and I.

5) Have lunch with me :)

 

Sounds good, yes?

Aside

…That chances are no one will ever truly love you right. We all comfort ourselves with the thought that some other person, some elusive dream guy/girl will rock up one day and show the world just what we are worth, they will be constant and kind and true and wake up super early to make you coffee, and tell you you are beautiful even when you are not, because you have been through too much damn it, and it’s about time someone showed some love for your scars.

But they may not. And at the age of 45 (if you can hold on for that long) you might just have to settle for that less that perfect guy you met in your office, he is a little full of himself, but you are running out of options and you don’t wanna die alone…

So maybe, no one guy will ever love you for who you are. And they are all just fleeting phases, and the second you bring your crazy out they will get packing.

Maybe no one is ever going to fine it cute that you spend hours watching youtube videos of sloths, hell, maybe no one will ever find YOU cute.

Are you okay with that?

When you are winding down your day and your feet are sore and you are hoping for a good night’s sleep, Are you okay with you?

I ask myself this a lot. I know I am broken, and my love of baggy shirts and jeans and complete negligence of my makeup kit might be doing more harm than good. But am I okay with me?

This year is one of the few times I have had to really get down to the business of rebuilding, i choose not to focus too much on my appearance to dodge vanity. I choose not to spend time with people who pull me down, I choose what feels true to me regardless of gender. But I am not going to lie, it takes courage to not run to my makeup box everytime I feel less than worthy, and it takes balls (really big balls! ) to wear sneakers to work every day, and to not try to pull out fake overly sexual charm whenever I see someone that might interest me.

This is the year of the balls and I am under the impression that liking yourself is something that doesn’t happen over night, so I will give it as much time as it needs. I want to be the type of person strong enough to love myself enough to be okay with being alone.

The reality is

Aside

That chances are no one will ever truly love you right. We all comfort ourselves with the thought that some other person, some elusive dream guy/girl will rock up one day and show the world just what we are worth, they will be constant and kind and true and wake up super early to make you coffee, and tell you you are beautiful even when you are not, because you have been through too much damn it, and it’s about time someone showed some love for your scars.

But they may not. And at the age of 45 (if you can hold on for that long) you might just have to settle for that less that perfect guy you met in your office, he is a little full of himself, but you are running out of options and you don’t wanna die alone…

So maybe, no one guy will ever love you for who you are. And they are all just fleeting phases, and the second you bring your crazy out they will get packing.

Maybe no one is ever going to fine it cute that you spend hours watching youtube videos of sloths, hell, maybe no one will ever find YOU cute.

Are you okay with that?

When you are winding down your day and your feet are sore and you are hoping for a good night’s sleep, Are you okay with you?

I ask myself this a lot. I know I am broken, and my love of baggy shirts and jeans and complete negligence of my makeup kit might be doing more harm than good. But am I okay with me?

This year is one of the few times I have had to really get down to the business of rebuilding, i choose not to focus too much on my appearance to dodge vanity. I choose not to spend time with people who pull me down, I choose what feels true to me regardless of gender. But I am not going to lie, it takes courage to not run to my makeup box everytime I feel less than worthy, and it takes balls (really big balls! ) to wear sneakers to work every day, and to not try to pull out fake overly sexual charm whenever I see someone that might interest me.

This is the year of the balls and I am under the impression that liking yourself is something that doesn’t happen over night, so I will give it as much time as it needs. I want to be the type of person strong enough to love myself enough to be okay with being alone.

Hey Alex, Why so happy?

who me?

well… it’s cause an old friend is coming to visit next year in April. I haven’t seen her in ages, and she will be here for a week or so, and we will have a nice vacation (Finally! something to look forward to!)

Also cause I know what I am doing! with regards to my project that is- I made a step by step plan for the month, and people are actually responding well to it. So that’s nice.

Sometimes I feel really sad

But then I remember that one of my friends and I are going to college together next year, and I can already imagine the crazy sex stories we are gonna share and how nice it will be to have someone who knows me so well living in the same country! I miss sharing beds, awkward/ embarrassing childhood stories and sharing food and late night catch up sessions. She is like a sister to me and I can not wait to be close enough to support her dreams again. So maybe life is not so bad hey?

I am so sad

I am sick, so i am restricted to fluids, Lots of milk. Which makes me feel sicker. I ended up talking to Anna last night, for a while. I realised just talking to her makes me feel so upset, but why do i keep dreaming of her?

In last night’s episode I was wearing my favourite mini dress and she and i were walking around my hometown, she gave me a red bracelet made of beads and it had a cross hanging from it, and I was so happy (WHY WAS I SO HAPPY?) but then it broke and the beads scattered and I picked them up and put them in my mouth and they turned to blood and I spat them out, then I was aone again, lots on my way somewhere i thought I knew, then I woke up feeling sad.

I don’t know. right now i hate being stuck in my hometown because there is NOTHING to do. Nowhere to dance.

And when my friends in college start complaining about how lonely they feel there I want to smack and tell them to run away from the real world. Get out there and live, where I am is hard enough and everyday you spend where you are wishing for the past is a day I would gladly kill for, same goes for those who start complaining about how average their day was, I try to be supportive but now I am just sitting here like, “I don’t wanna hear it, you are ungrateful. Get your shit together and learn to make you happy.” I mean, I am in a pretty terrible place but i hardly complain to anyone about it, what more my friends who are living the dream but would rather rant about it. No thank you.

This Anna chick. Why am i talking to her?
I can’t stand her and her odd silences and the way she makes me feel so alone. So why am I here?