I am dancing to mavado in a really leftist club downtown with this long haired boy with a waist that leaves me stunned, behind me (grabbing my hips) is K. the attractive androgynous “them” whose attention I had been trying to get all night. The light hits me and it feels like everyone is watching, I want to yell “Can you see this?! This is the life I have been dreaming about!”
In that moment I am so sad, it hit me hard how beautiful and rare this was and how it would be a struggle to ever find a place and a feeling like this. I don’t know if there is life after Amsterdam. I made more friends that night that I had done this year so far, I felt so at ease, speaking my truths and listening to others as they spoke theirs. They played Rita Indiana y los misterios and EVERYONE danced, I wasn’t the only one screaming that it was my song. Beautiful, strong women were everywhere, I found a friend of a friend of a friend from long ago who overheard me saying I wanted a blunt and arranged for someone to give me theirs. If that’s not kindness I do not know what is.
I got a girl’s number, she is 27, living with her partner and open to everything life has to offer. I danced till my feet hurt and I knew that the world was bigger than I had ever imagined, and it was beautiful.
On Thursday night, I got so high and had such a horrible trip, I could see time, and emotions and I couldn’t remember my own name for 6 hours, it is the scariest thing I have ever been through. I remember the sky flashing from night to day each time i closed my eyes and barely remembering who on earth my friends were. It felt like the truth. I couldn’t see the things I usually focus on, all that was there was the plain facts.
The guy I was hooking up with and I got into a public fight in Burger King (classy, I know) but he insisted on labeling someone as female when they didn’t identify in that way, I tried to explain why it was important but he wanted to talk about how inconvenient it was for him.
It wasn’t about that.
I think we were fighting over the fact that we spent a little too long staring at each other before we fell asleep the night before, and how I reacted upon meeting his girlfriend and how I wouldn’t dance with him in the Latino club. I apologised and we hugged, but 5 hours later, on a street on the way back we were tearing each others’ heads off again. I told him that as soon as that bus stopped at our campus I wanted nothing to do with him ever again, he looked like his heart was broken. Those brown eyes though. They say more than his mouth does. I think that’s the end of that.
Up next, Prague for Spring break. :)